7.09.2011
12.15.2010
Early winter blahs
It's 3 days since the first real snow and already i'm feeling depressed. yes, it's true. depressed. why? no idea. might be the weather, or not having a job (i quit about 2 weeks ago - best AND worst choice i've had to make in a while) but i've determined that it is depression that keeps looming overhead, hovering just out of swatting range, a dark cloud trying to piss all over me. the daunting task of looking for employment in this economy is enough to make you want to punch your eyes out with a pencil. It's so very easy to allow my mind to wander into the spiraling abyss of "unemployment." it's not a good spiral. and i have to fight it at all costs.
I'm not gonna let it win though. i can't let it win. it's not who i am. so... how do i chase it away? here are the cures to my winter blahs:
1) Have a morning routine and stick to it
the sure fire way of staying under the oppression of depression is to stay in your sleepwear. get a schedule, a routine, and stick to it! depression tells you, "it's not worth it." but it ALWAYS is worth it. get up at the same time each day, have a list of "must do's" each day - not tasks, but rituals. like, first - get up, 2nd shower, third drink a cup of coffee, 4th read for 45 minutes, fifth begin your tasks for the day - and so on.
2) Work out
it's important to keep blood moving, not just for your physical health, but for mental and emotional health as well. active blood moves all those toxins and nasty mental chemicals around and eventually out. as much as i hate going to the gym (mostly cuz i'm a wussy and don't like the cold) i ALWAYS feel better after doing it. as i work out, i listen to podcasts (Bill Johnson is my go-to guy right now) so i can care for my mind and spirit as i beat my body into submission. sometimes i'll lift weights too - i hope to get into that more this winter - but mostly i'm sticking to cardio. let's lose the fat and move jostle the blood around a bit.
3) Keep the TV off
It's easy to get suckered into turning on that mindsuck we call daytime tv. luckily Oprah is almost done, so you've got no more excuses come 4pm. Just leave it off. you gain nothing, but you waste everything - especially time. so keep the tv off. read a book, turn on Pandora, write, wrap gifts, complete some chores, do a puzzle, play with your pet fix the sink, do SOMETHING but DO NOT turn on that tv. take the batteries out of the remote if necessary! avoid the black hole!
4) Have daily, weekly, and monthly goals
For me, i have a list of tasks that need to be completed. as they get finished, i wipe 'em off the dry erase board. quite the feeling of satisfaction there. Some days the only goal i have is to put deodorant on. and ya know what? some days that's an accomplishment! but the tasks, as tiring as they are, give some purpose to the hours.
5) Don't let junk food into the house
garbage in, garbage felt, garbage actualized. i'm not good at this, by any means, especially around the holidays, but i'm trying to look at something before it enters my mouth and ask myself, "is this going to help or hinder me 20 minutes from now?" (I type this as i'm shoveling peanut brittle into my mouth like it's my job). when hunger strikes - or what i presume is hunger, but is probably a gnawing emptiness inside of me, also manifesting as a form of depression - i'm trying to stuff myself with oatmeal, or popcorn (no butter) or veggies and hummus. sometimes it works, sometimes not, but i know that if it's not IN the house, i won't be tempted to eat it.
6) Play some music
with today's new technology, music can be found all over the place! lots of radio stations are online now, as are sites devoted to your own personal, customizable stations. USE 'EM! put on your favorite music, or do a music flashback to when you were 12 (Safety Dance, anyone?) and don't be afraid to move around. put on some upbeat tuneage and go to town! in fact, right now, i've got my Yo Gabba Gabba station playing on Pandora. fun, happy, quirky music - and i'm smiling already.
7) Set a timer for the internet
almost as bad as the tv, the internet is a timesuck like you wouldn't believe. it's easy to get lost and sidetracked and off down magic bunny trails. the suckage can be endless! facebook's gaming program alone is a black hole of death! so, keep your face to the computer screen down to a minimum, allowing for some fun, relaxing surfing, but call it quits when the timer goes "DING."
8) Get off the damn couch!
if you're going to work on the computer, make sure you've got a specific area set aside for just that. DON'T let your couch become your 'home office' or your 'surfing station.' let the couch be used for sitting and reading, for napping, for talking with friends and family. let it be a sacred space, unsullied by the presence of 'job hunting' online.
9) Meditate
focus on something daily; a thought, a verse, a song lyric, an image, something to steer your mind in the right direction. just sit still and use the power of imagination that's been all but beaten out of us as we've had to 'grow up.' 5 minutes can change your attitude about yourself quicker than an hour of watching Maury or Montel or Tyra. or even the Hoarders marathon. start with those 5 minutes a day, disciplining yourself to think on positive things. if the negative starts to creep in, simply take control back over your mind and choose what you allow your brain to focus on. it's YOUR brain and YOUR thoughts, that means YOU ultimately have control over what it things upon. when you imagine the positive things, it WILL make a difference in your outlook on yourself and life. you are what you think!
10) Notice something beautiful each day
this can be so difficult to do when your thoughts are constantly trying to shift into high gear straight into the pooper. but take a moment each day and find something in the world that's beautiful. take your eyes off of yourself and put them onto something else. turn outward instead of inward. noticing the beautiful things helps to remind your brain that you choose to be surrounded by beauty and not gloom and doom.
so- those are my 10 things that i'm trying to do from now on. i will most likely fail often, but it's okay. tomorrow is another day. in the immortal words of George:
"It's been a long cold lonely winter... it feels like years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun. And I say it's alright."
here's to getting out from under the cloud and breaking thru!
I'm not gonna let it win though. i can't let it win. it's not who i am. so... how do i chase it away? here are the cures to my winter blahs:
1) Have a morning routine and stick to it
the sure fire way of staying under the oppression of depression is to stay in your sleepwear. get a schedule, a routine, and stick to it! depression tells you, "it's not worth it." but it ALWAYS is worth it. get up at the same time each day, have a list of "must do's" each day - not tasks, but rituals. like, first - get up, 2nd shower, third drink a cup of coffee, 4th read for 45 minutes, fifth begin your tasks for the day - and so on.
2) Work out
it's important to keep blood moving, not just for your physical health, but for mental and emotional health as well. active blood moves all those toxins and nasty mental chemicals around and eventually out. as much as i hate going to the gym (mostly cuz i'm a wussy and don't like the cold) i ALWAYS feel better after doing it. as i work out, i listen to podcasts (Bill Johnson is my go-to guy right now) so i can care for my mind and spirit as i beat my body into submission. sometimes i'll lift weights too - i hope to get into that more this winter - but mostly i'm sticking to cardio. let's lose the fat and move jostle the blood around a bit.
3) Keep the TV off
It's easy to get suckered into turning on that mindsuck we call daytime tv. luckily Oprah is almost done, so you've got no more excuses come 4pm. Just leave it off. you gain nothing, but you waste everything - especially time. so keep the tv off. read a book, turn on Pandora, write, wrap gifts, complete some chores, do a puzzle, play with your pet fix the sink, do SOMETHING but DO NOT turn on that tv. take the batteries out of the remote if necessary! avoid the black hole!
4) Have daily, weekly, and monthly goals
For me, i have a list of tasks that need to be completed. as they get finished, i wipe 'em off the dry erase board. quite the feeling of satisfaction there. Some days the only goal i have is to put deodorant on. and ya know what? some days that's an accomplishment! but the tasks, as tiring as they are, give some purpose to the hours.
5) Don't let junk food into the house
garbage in, garbage felt, garbage actualized. i'm not good at this, by any means, especially around the holidays, but i'm trying to look at something before it enters my mouth and ask myself, "is this going to help or hinder me 20 minutes from now?" (I type this as i'm shoveling peanut brittle into my mouth like it's my job). when hunger strikes - or what i presume is hunger, but is probably a gnawing emptiness inside of me, also manifesting as a form of depression - i'm trying to stuff myself with oatmeal, or popcorn (no butter) or veggies and hummus. sometimes it works, sometimes not, but i know that if it's not IN the house, i won't be tempted to eat it.
6) Play some music
with today's new technology, music can be found all over the place! lots of radio stations are online now, as are sites devoted to your own personal, customizable stations. USE 'EM! put on your favorite music, or do a music flashback to when you were 12 (Safety Dance, anyone?) and don't be afraid to move around. put on some upbeat tuneage and go to town! in fact, right now, i've got my Yo Gabba Gabba station playing on Pandora. fun, happy, quirky music - and i'm smiling already.
7) Set a timer for the internet
almost as bad as the tv, the internet is a timesuck like you wouldn't believe. it's easy to get lost and sidetracked and off down magic bunny trails. the suckage can be endless! facebook's gaming program alone is a black hole of death! so, keep your face to the computer screen down to a minimum, allowing for some fun, relaxing surfing, but call it quits when the timer goes "DING."
8) Get off the damn couch!
if you're going to work on the computer, make sure you've got a specific area set aside for just that. DON'T let your couch become your 'home office' or your 'surfing station.' let the couch be used for sitting and reading, for napping, for talking with friends and family. let it be a sacred space, unsullied by the presence of 'job hunting' online.
9) Meditate
focus on something daily; a thought, a verse, a song lyric, an image, something to steer your mind in the right direction. just sit still and use the power of imagination that's been all but beaten out of us as we've had to 'grow up.' 5 minutes can change your attitude about yourself quicker than an hour of watching Maury or Montel or Tyra. or even the Hoarders marathon. start with those 5 minutes a day, disciplining yourself to think on positive things. if the negative starts to creep in, simply take control back over your mind and choose what you allow your brain to focus on. it's YOUR brain and YOUR thoughts, that means YOU ultimately have control over what it things upon. when you imagine the positive things, it WILL make a difference in your outlook on yourself and life. you are what you think!
10) Notice something beautiful each day
this can be so difficult to do when your thoughts are constantly trying to shift into high gear straight into the pooper. but take a moment each day and find something in the world that's beautiful. take your eyes off of yourself and put them onto something else. turn outward instead of inward. noticing the beautiful things helps to remind your brain that you choose to be surrounded by beauty and not gloom and doom.
so- those are my 10 things that i'm trying to do from now on. i will most likely fail often, but it's okay. tomorrow is another day. in the immortal words of George:
"It's been a long cold lonely winter... it feels like years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun. And I say it's alright."
here's to getting out from under the cloud and breaking thru!
9.28.2010
repentance for my adultery
so fresh revelation comes through an impartation of wisdom, and wisdom comes as a gift from the Lord, and you receive that gift by seeking the Lord's face, and seeking the Lord's face requires a pure heart, and a pure heart begins with repentance.
last night i started to repent. and for the first time, it didn't come out as a long list of "i'm sorry i did these things" because to me, that's always been what repentance was; just saying you're sorry and telling God you're turning away from them. but last night something different happened.
in our prayer group, we began to talk about how repentance is a catalyst for a fresh move of God, and it must begin with us, with me, that we can't wait for others to do it first and then ride in on their coat tails. it requires self to die, and repentance to begin. one thing we've been studying lately is the authority of God, and i'm recognizing that i have no clue what his authority really is. on top of that, i'm learning that he wants his bride to be a lover, not a wife. there's an intimate difference there, and i really have never understood that. but things began to fall into place a little bit last night while i was bawling my eyes out and snot was staining the carpet.
as we began to pray, to repent, i had to put myself in a place i've been before, a place that is very uncomfortable, and painful, and gut-wrenching. i had to go back into the place i made for myself the last time i nearly ruined my marriage, just a few years ago. my choices had sent me down a path away from my wife, and towards the voice of another. in the moment it seemed fine, like i could have both my wife and a lover. it seemed like i could 'get away with it' which is probably one of the most selfish things anyone could think.
during that very real time, once this adulterous action had been discovered, i was in turmoil and anguish for 2+ days, writhing around on the bed in our spare room, wanting to throw up, wanting to die, crying out for forgiveness, and trying desperately to feel the weight of my decisions, awaiting the decision of whether my marriage was over or not. i often have a tendency to disconnect my emotions from my circumstances (a coping mechanism i learned as a child- kept me safe, but unable to deeply feel - not a good trade off once i became an adult). i wanted to feel the weight of my choice, so as to impress upon my heart how much pain i cause my spouse, myself, and those around me. those 2+ days were hell. didn't eat, didn't sleep, kept trying to throw up but couldn't, didn't shower, didn't get out of bed, wrestling with the choices i'd made and recognizing how awful they were, and trying to guess, to foresee, the outcome of this event - and what i saw i didn't like, nor was i prepared to deal with. even now, thinking about that time, i want to die.
it was a long road out of that place, and we're still recovering, but my wife is loving and gracious and patient and forgiving and is willing to go thru hell for me (and i've often put her there). that time in my life was a significant moment because i truly felt the weight of my decisions to listen to another's voice, to let that other person woo me, tell me what i thought i wanted to hear, i let them promise me things, i let them lie to me and i ate it up as truth. i let my heart be taken captive by another, other than my wife. the weight of that decision was crushing- it was the first time repentance became real and even tangible, and it's a moment i will never forget.
so i put myself back in that place last night. i wanted to remember what it felt like to be sorry, to be weak, to finally recognize my fault, to remember what it feels like to grieve another. i knew this was to be a time of repentance between the Lord an i, so i began to visualize my list of "i'm sorry" statements. "I'm sorry i lost my temper," "I'm sorry i hated that person so much," "i'm sorry i lusted," and the list went on. mentally, i pictured myself back in that room, awaiting the fate of my marriage. physically, i was laying on the floor, head in my hands, trying to get comfortable, emotionally, i felt nothing.
this wasn't doing it. it wasn't working. these lists of "i'm sorrys" was just not cutting it. then, i began to understand WHAT i was repenting of when it was between my wife and myself. i had turned my gaze to another, i had sought another's approval, i had desired another's touch, i wanted to hear the voice of someone else.... and then i began to understand.
my mind started to reel as i lay there, i could see just how i'd been an adulterer to the Lord, and repentance started to flow.
my life has been one where i haven't believed the Lord. instead, i'll listen to the voice of another, who tells me what i want to hear. the voice of the stranger - so exciting and enticing! it sounds sexier, and more exciting, and more fulfilling. i often trust my thoughts and feelings over the truth of God's Word, i trust my experiences rather than His voice and truth, i listen to the foreigner's song that sings, "you can get away with it" and i step out from under God's authority. the voice is sweet and sultry and beckoning. it comes to me when i'm weak and it builds me up; but that building up is a rouse, a deck of cards. there is only a faint hint of truth, but it has no foundation. i listen to the voice that whispers to me, that tells me what i want to hear instead of what i need to hear. my repentance is for letting my ears wander, for allowing my heart yearn for a different voice, for not running into the arms of my Love for reassurance and acceptance and instead seeking comfort in the arms of a stranger.
I cried for 45 minutes. waves of pain and anguish, groanings and achings, and tears upon tears upon tears, my body convulsing on the ground. it felt as though i'd hurt the only one who ever loved me. the pain reached into my spirit, and it twisted and squeezed and wrenched. if i thought it had stopped, the Lord brought back yet another moment from my past that i had sought refuge in the arms of another. it was awful.
but then the most amazing thing began to occur. as i lay dying in my transgressions, and as i cried out for mercy and forgiveness... the Lord opened the door to the room where i wept and waited and writhed. He opened the door and came to me, looked me in the eye, and said, "I love you. I believe in you. And i forgive you... because i know you."
Instantly my burden was gone. instantly i began to laugh. instantly i knew what freedom was, what freedom IS, and my heart nearly exploded from my chest. the feeling of forgiveness, the feeling of acceptance, is something that no one but your Love can give. it is a gift of mercy that goes beyond all comprehension into the core of your creation. and when something goes that deep, it changes you.
I still can feel the weight of my adultery between He and i. but it's no longer oppressive. it is a reminder to me of where i've been, of where i've come from, and hopefully where i will never tread again. I am learning now to see him as my spouse, as the one whose voice is a comfort and is true.
The arms of another are always inviting - whether physically within your marriage, or spiritually between you and the Lord. the siren's song won't go away - it will be waiting around every corner, riding to you on the wind. it will sing when you are weakest and worn out, and feeling the lowest. but the blessing is this: the Lord is there, waiting and loving, ready to sit with you, connect with you, become intimate once again, and accept that repentance. He will not beat you over the head with your past, or force you back into his embrace, because He is so good, and so loving. He hates divorce because he hates being separated from those he loves. he hates the adultery, watching his Bride, his Beloved, slip into bed with another. He is a jealous God, and will fight for our love - but will always give us the choice.
not sure any of this post made sense to you. it did to me. and that's really why i had to write it. i want to remember this. i want to make it visible to myself. i want to go back and read it - especially when the songs of the enemy start to sound sweeter than those of my God. i want to remember that i have tried the affair and it ends in tragedy and unhappiness. i want to remember that the Lord is waiting there for me, with arms open, seeing past the hurt and deep into who i am. he wants to love me, hold me, whisper his secrets to me in the privacy of our room. he wants to adore me and be close to me, closer than the air i breathe. i want to remember to maintain my relationship with him, to seek him out in the morning, to give him the best part of my day. i want to immerse myself in his word so that it's the only voice i can hear, and his is the only face i seek. daily i will talk, daily i will connect, and daily i will grow more in love with Him. i want to remember that relationship is a 2-way street. just as i the marriage between my wife and i, so goes my relationship with the Lord. He is faithful to me, so because i love him, i will be faithful to him. and when i am unfaithful, my repentance will be deep, and real, and true. and as we grow more in love, my ear will tune to His voice alone. the suitors will all leave, or at least they will be drown out by the deep, authentic love that only the Father can extend
God IS Love. why would i settle for anything less?
last night i started to repent. and for the first time, it didn't come out as a long list of "i'm sorry i did these things" because to me, that's always been what repentance was; just saying you're sorry and telling God you're turning away from them. but last night something different happened.
in our prayer group, we began to talk about how repentance is a catalyst for a fresh move of God, and it must begin with us, with me, that we can't wait for others to do it first and then ride in on their coat tails. it requires self to die, and repentance to begin. one thing we've been studying lately is the authority of God, and i'm recognizing that i have no clue what his authority really is. on top of that, i'm learning that he wants his bride to be a lover, not a wife. there's an intimate difference there, and i really have never understood that. but things began to fall into place a little bit last night while i was bawling my eyes out and snot was staining the carpet.
as we began to pray, to repent, i had to put myself in a place i've been before, a place that is very uncomfortable, and painful, and gut-wrenching. i had to go back into the place i made for myself the last time i nearly ruined my marriage, just a few years ago. my choices had sent me down a path away from my wife, and towards the voice of another. in the moment it seemed fine, like i could have both my wife and a lover. it seemed like i could 'get away with it' which is probably one of the most selfish things anyone could think.
during that very real time, once this adulterous action had been discovered, i was in turmoil and anguish for 2+ days, writhing around on the bed in our spare room, wanting to throw up, wanting to die, crying out for forgiveness, and trying desperately to feel the weight of my decisions, awaiting the decision of whether my marriage was over or not. i often have a tendency to disconnect my emotions from my circumstances (a coping mechanism i learned as a child- kept me safe, but unable to deeply feel - not a good trade off once i became an adult). i wanted to feel the weight of my choice, so as to impress upon my heart how much pain i cause my spouse, myself, and those around me. those 2+ days were hell. didn't eat, didn't sleep, kept trying to throw up but couldn't, didn't shower, didn't get out of bed, wrestling with the choices i'd made and recognizing how awful they were, and trying to guess, to foresee, the outcome of this event - and what i saw i didn't like, nor was i prepared to deal with. even now, thinking about that time, i want to die.
it was a long road out of that place, and we're still recovering, but my wife is loving and gracious and patient and forgiving and is willing to go thru hell for me (and i've often put her there). that time in my life was a significant moment because i truly felt the weight of my decisions to listen to another's voice, to let that other person woo me, tell me what i thought i wanted to hear, i let them promise me things, i let them lie to me and i ate it up as truth. i let my heart be taken captive by another, other than my wife. the weight of that decision was crushing- it was the first time repentance became real and even tangible, and it's a moment i will never forget.
so i put myself back in that place last night. i wanted to remember what it felt like to be sorry, to be weak, to finally recognize my fault, to remember what it feels like to grieve another. i knew this was to be a time of repentance between the Lord an i, so i began to visualize my list of "i'm sorry" statements. "I'm sorry i lost my temper," "I'm sorry i hated that person so much," "i'm sorry i lusted," and the list went on. mentally, i pictured myself back in that room, awaiting the fate of my marriage. physically, i was laying on the floor, head in my hands, trying to get comfortable, emotionally, i felt nothing.
this wasn't doing it. it wasn't working. these lists of "i'm sorrys" was just not cutting it. then, i began to understand WHAT i was repenting of when it was between my wife and myself. i had turned my gaze to another, i had sought another's approval, i had desired another's touch, i wanted to hear the voice of someone else.... and then i began to understand.
my mind started to reel as i lay there, i could see just how i'd been an adulterer to the Lord, and repentance started to flow.
my life has been one where i haven't believed the Lord. instead, i'll listen to the voice of another, who tells me what i want to hear. the voice of the stranger - so exciting and enticing! it sounds sexier, and more exciting, and more fulfilling. i often trust my thoughts and feelings over the truth of God's Word, i trust my experiences rather than His voice and truth, i listen to the foreigner's song that sings, "you can get away with it" and i step out from under God's authority. the voice is sweet and sultry and beckoning. it comes to me when i'm weak and it builds me up; but that building up is a rouse, a deck of cards. there is only a faint hint of truth, but it has no foundation. i listen to the voice that whispers to me, that tells me what i want to hear instead of what i need to hear. my repentance is for letting my ears wander, for allowing my heart yearn for a different voice, for not running into the arms of my Love for reassurance and acceptance and instead seeking comfort in the arms of a stranger.
I cried for 45 minutes. waves of pain and anguish, groanings and achings, and tears upon tears upon tears, my body convulsing on the ground. it felt as though i'd hurt the only one who ever loved me. the pain reached into my spirit, and it twisted and squeezed and wrenched. if i thought it had stopped, the Lord brought back yet another moment from my past that i had sought refuge in the arms of another. it was awful.
but then the most amazing thing began to occur. as i lay dying in my transgressions, and as i cried out for mercy and forgiveness... the Lord opened the door to the room where i wept and waited and writhed. He opened the door and came to me, looked me in the eye, and said, "I love you. I believe in you. And i forgive you... because i know you."
Instantly my burden was gone. instantly i began to laugh. instantly i knew what freedom was, what freedom IS, and my heart nearly exploded from my chest. the feeling of forgiveness, the feeling of acceptance, is something that no one but your Love can give. it is a gift of mercy that goes beyond all comprehension into the core of your creation. and when something goes that deep, it changes you.
I still can feel the weight of my adultery between He and i. but it's no longer oppressive. it is a reminder to me of where i've been, of where i've come from, and hopefully where i will never tread again. I am learning now to see him as my spouse, as the one whose voice is a comfort and is true.
The arms of another are always inviting - whether physically within your marriage, or spiritually between you and the Lord. the siren's song won't go away - it will be waiting around every corner, riding to you on the wind. it will sing when you are weakest and worn out, and feeling the lowest. but the blessing is this: the Lord is there, waiting and loving, ready to sit with you, connect with you, become intimate once again, and accept that repentance. He will not beat you over the head with your past, or force you back into his embrace, because He is so good, and so loving. He hates divorce because he hates being separated from those he loves. he hates the adultery, watching his Bride, his Beloved, slip into bed with another. He is a jealous God, and will fight for our love - but will always give us the choice.
not sure any of this post made sense to you. it did to me. and that's really why i had to write it. i want to remember this. i want to make it visible to myself. i want to go back and read it - especially when the songs of the enemy start to sound sweeter than those of my God. i want to remember that i have tried the affair and it ends in tragedy and unhappiness. i want to remember that the Lord is waiting there for me, with arms open, seeing past the hurt and deep into who i am. he wants to love me, hold me, whisper his secrets to me in the privacy of our room. he wants to adore me and be close to me, closer than the air i breathe. i want to remember to maintain my relationship with him, to seek him out in the morning, to give him the best part of my day. i want to immerse myself in his word so that it's the only voice i can hear, and his is the only face i seek. daily i will talk, daily i will connect, and daily i will grow more in love with Him. i want to remember that relationship is a 2-way street. just as i the marriage between my wife and i, so goes my relationship with the Lord. He is faithful to me, so because i love him, i will be faithful to him. and when i am unfaithful, my repentance will be deep, and real, and true. and as we grow more in love, my ear will tune to His voice alone. the suitors will all leave, or at least they will be drown out by the deep, authentic love that only the Father can extend
God IS Love. why would i settle for anything less?
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