babies a go-go

so here we are, years later, and still no fetus to speak of. honestly, at this point, i'm ok with it. in all honesty - or at least that's what i tell myself. i'm not sure what's really changed for me. might be simply that we don't have a kid and i've got no other choice. it feels like babies are coming out of the woodworks nowadays. and here we sit with none... yet.

so as you may or may not know, we've been trying for over 7 years now. it's has been evil and messy and painful and disappointing and awful and depressing and stretching and growing and faith-building and challenging and hopeful and just a monster, epic journey.

i don't quite know if i've written much about this whole thing before (aside from the cursing and the ranting) but it's been a journey wrought with desperation and hope, and it feels a bit more epic than my basic words could explain. many years ago kat and i were prophesied over, and we were told specific words about the children we would bear and their purposes in the kingdom. it has felt very much like a struggle within the unseen for this birthing miracle to come to pass. we have had affirmation upon affirmation, but disappointment upon disappointment right on its heels.

if multiple people on multiple occasions speaking the same words to you about the monumental role your children will take for His glory weren't enough to sustain you thru testing and trials, the Lord has been bringing reinforcements into the mix. one is a story of hope. you can watch it here if you'd like. this sort of thing has been happening more and more lately.

the other week, kat was at home waiting for a repairman to come and fix the ceiling in the pantry of our new apartment. there was a leak, and it appeared the first rain we experienced- right over our tortilla chips and our flour. rain was running in thru the ceiling and we were not pleased. we went thru the necessary channels to get it repaired, and a week later a man was in our apartment cutting out the rotted roof. i was gone, kat was home alone so our neighbor jen came up to be another presence there. long story short, this ceiling repair guy ended up singing a song to my wife, a song about God's promises, about how he promised Abraham and Sarah a son, and they bore a son; about Zechariah and Elizabeth bearing John, the forerunner of Christ; about Joseph and Mary bringing God to earth at just the right time. it was a song about God's promises coming to fruition, even if it feels like they never will. his 2nd song was from the perspective of a baby, excited to be born, dreaming of the day he can see his mother's face.

2 songs, both about God's promises coming true, both songs dealing with issues we're in the midst of, and this stranger was just there to fix our leaks. after he sang, he went right back to fixing the ceiling. how amazing. how unreal.

then there's the time someone watched the video on hope (above) and got in contact with me, asking if they could send our contact info and story to their pastor. he has a history of praying for people to get pregnant and they do, within months. this pastor contacted me and offered to pray over kat and i. i didn't know where he lived, but was willing to drive wherever for this man to bless us. he lives in NY, and i said we lived in michigan. "michigan?" he says. "i'm headed there next weekend. i'll be near detroit." yes- of all the places to be traveling, he' comes to my back yard.

he spoke about kronos and kairos - how we will bear our children in kairos time, not kronos time. he spoke about the importance of remembering that kronos is not true time, but an image of time we've created. kronos is where we fret and stress and race. kairos time is more at ease, more flowing, and much more perfectly timed. kairos time does not speed us along- it nurtures us and carries us along for the journey. it is divine and divinely appointed. he prayed with authority and continues to lift us up in prayer, knowing that God has set something in motion - we are just waiting for kronos to catch up with kairos.

i was told once that God was going to bless me and make me a father once i am fathered. just a few weeks ago, our pastor asked if he could father me, take me under his wing and show me how to be a son. the words were identical.

kat and i have had dreams of being pregnant, of being parents, of having children. these are not the dreams brought on by the subconscious, but dreams that linger long after you wake. they are dreams that gnaw at your heart and ring true in your soul.

a few days ago, kat was struggling with this waiting period for children. she randomly flipped open a daily devotional book from the 1800's she'd picked up at a used bookstore. the lesson/devo she flipped to was about how God had to prepare Mary before she gave birth to the Messiah. she had to be made noble before the implantation. in order to raise up a warrior, a woman must be made noble first.

the struggle comes at the in between times. it comes during the dry days, the hurtful days, the days where we forget the promises, and instead of relying on God to be a God who keeps promises, we accuse him of forgetting his promises. in those in between days, weeks, months, years - the ones that aren't written about in the bible.

kat and i have, on several occasions, been referenced to Abraham and Sarah. while i'm not a fan of this comparison, i can see the beauty in it. they waited for YEARS for their offspring, and when it happened, their offspring was the beginning of God's people. what an honor! but what's not recorded is the struggle abe and sarah had during all those days prior to the promise coming to fruition. it doesn't talk about the days sarah felt worthless and forgotten as everyone around her was getting pregnant and popping out children like they're they Dugger family. it doesn't record the days and weeks and years of the faithful couple screaming, "it's not fair!" and shaking their fists at a God whose master plan includes so much hourly pain and torture and torment as this couple experienced. they grew old, they grew tired, and i can only imagine they grew bitter. bitterness that waxed and waned, depending on the season, depending on the circumstances, upon their company.

i have gone thru these emotions. i have shared them with my wife. there are times when it strikes her more. then times when i'm laid flat out in rage and anger and jealousy and frustration. there have been days i curse the Lord's torture (theologically i understand this isn't what it is, but it sure as hell feels like, well, hell). there have also been days where i'm overwhelmed with joy and excitement and anxiousness at what the Lord is doing and going to do. there are days i feel God is on the move in a mighty way in this situation, then there are others i feel as if he's forgotten that we're even here.

so here i am. here we are. everyone around us seems to be well on their way to getting their own reality baby show, and we are still without a child. i battle that feeling of envy on a daily basis. but i am learning that it's ok to battle. it's also ok to question God's plan, and to cry out in hurt and anguish. but i MUST remember the things that we've been told, the things HE is doing for us. it doesn't make the wanting or the pain or the feeling of injustice go away, but it somehow lends credibility to it.

this experience is now turning into something less than about having children, and more about whether or not i trust the Lord to deliver on what's been promised. it attacks the core of my being, and confronts my very basic thoughts about who God is and how he feels about me. it is cutting me to the marrow and bringing me to the crux of my faith. it's forcing me to dig into discovering who God is, and who i believe him to be - because those 2 things can be completely different.

so, i'm ok with not having a kid. and i can say that, and mean it as best i can tell, because i believe the Lord is working things out within me, within us, to prepare us, our basic foundations, to be a steady rock-solid platform for our children to stand upon and grow from. based on the wonders that have taken place in the foreshadowing of our children's birth, a rock solid faith will be necessary.

so until the promise comes to pass, i will dig into, and examine, who God says he is and who i say he is. and while it's true there have been records of children being conceived without the introduction of a male donator, i'll continue to do my part of the equation for baby production.

the latest update

it has been quite a while since posting. i miss writing. but since i'm sitting here in a coffee shop with my laptop out, it seems like the thing to do. hold on, lemme get my glasses on.... ok better.

so here's what's going on - i am so astounded by all that's been happening as of late. not sure exactly how to quantify it, or really even describe all that's happening, but i know for one thing that God is pretty dang active right now. we've gone thru a period of quiet, and are now pretty full force into a season of "odd" things happening on a daily basis. we're getting words from the Lord, confirmations, blessings, divine moments, answered prayers- i can't really keep up. i'm trying to take it all in but it's difficult.

i'm really struggling right now, trying to figure out what exactly to say- but all i know is i need to start putting things down in writing. i'm pretty sure if i didn't start, i would question if it really happened, or possibly forget entirely. so, i'll try and recap the past several months into a paragraph or 2.

we started going to a church - not the church i'd have picked out for us, but it turns out it's perfect for us at the moment. we can see God's hand all over this place, and all over our coming there. we decided to leave the apt we were in cuz rent was so high- plus we wanted to start fresh and leave the past in the past. so we found on craigslist a tiny 1br pad for an unreal price, which would allow us to save money and pay off the massive debt we (sadly) accrued. we found this place at just the right time. the landlord put it up on craigslist that day, and had dropped the price by 200. we were first to call on it. the location was perfect, within walking distance to where we wanted to go. close to parks, trails, coffee shops, grocery stores- all walking distance.

for the move, the church (which we haven't really placed membership at yet officially) stepped up and helped in a huge way. dennis volunteered to help us move, don volunteered his van/trailer, we had family/friends come out of the woodwork to help. it was over in like a few hrs. so amazing! everything fit in the apt, ajax loves it, and our neighbors are a true godsend.

gabe and jen are fresh water to a dry desert. we are very much alike, and in similar places spiritually. already they've spurred us on more than is humanly possible. i can write for hours about that relationship, but i have a feeling i won't need to since they're lifelong, God-ordained friends. lots of fellowship shall ensue.

God's timing is very perfect. i need to remind myself of this. it's perfect. i am often disappointed by his slowness (in my eyes anyway) but i realize he has a better clue and purpose than i can understand.

pastor has invited me to be mentored by him. he has a group of guys that meet every other week with him. he's asked me to be a part of that. it could not be any more timely. it speaks into prophecies that have been a long time coming. it will be the fulfillment of a loooong suffering and bring healing/breakthru/knowledge/training just at the right time.

the Lord has been active and alive lately, after a period where i know he's been around, but have not felt like he's wanted to be there. i have often told kat that i've felt like the Lord and i were always in the same house, but we didn't really talk. i used to feel like he sat in the big comfy chair with his head hidden behind a newspaper or some other distraction. i felt his presence, like he was in the room but disinterested in interacting. now i'm feeling like he sits by our bed at night waiting for the sun to rise so he can smile on us and show us more cool shit! it's a good feeling.

overall, i'm just feeling a lot of promise. and a lot of hope. and a lot of passionate tension - the good kind. the kind that keeps you on the edge of your seat and helps you wake up in the mornings in a good mood.

um.... so yeah. that's life as of today. hopefully i'll be better about marking things on here. primarily for my own peace of mind and to get me back into the habit of writing. i miss it.

good things are afoot.

monday suckers are my favorite!

so, it's been a while since posting, but today was SO great, i had to at least write something!
to help make ends meet, kat and i both have been working part-time as respite workers/helpers for people with physical/mental disabilities. our schedules are pretty set, each of us having about 3 or 4 clients a week. on mondays, kat takes care of a boy with hydrocephalus and i take care of a boy with downs and autism. kat's job on mondays is a bit more difficult. she has to meet her client at the bus and help get him off. he's in a wheelchair and has very little motor skills. she brings him inside, feeds him a bottle, changes his diaper, and lays him down for a nap. a few hours later, she gets him up, changes his diaper again, feeds him pureed food, and by that time, it's 6 and she's done.

i, on the other hand, get to pick up my client from school. his name is drew. drew has downs syndrome and some mild autism. he's a great kid and has really taken to me. we've started a tradition that when i come pick him up on mondays, i give him a sucker or 2. he loves suckers! who doesn't, right?

the first time i met drew, i was at his house. he's very shy and reserved. but upon introducing myself, he mumbled, "dat's my name too." and 5 minutes later he was sitting next to me on his couch, grabbing my hand, and interlocking fingers. it was pretty sweet. i guess him holding my hand is a comfort to him, because he does it all the time. i don't mind a bit.

so on mondays, i drive to drew's school and meet him in the hallway. when he sees me, he walks right over and grabs my hand. he grips it all the way to the car, and then again when we get to the bowling alley.

yes- every monday, i get to go bowling with special needs kids. there's about 25 of them, all arriving after school. you can hear when they enter the building because it's a bustle of coats, bowling shoes, fart jokes, belches, and a lot of laughter. they get into teams of 6, and after a few practice rounds, they all start trying to knock down some pins. there is one team, they call themselves the Stooges:


and they are actually pretty good. they manage to get down more pins than they get gutters. they are pretty high functioning and pretty cocky about their mad bowling skills.


this is charles in his lucky bowling outfit. he makes earrings. i bought kat a pair. for a dollar.



this is adam.

he's the self-appointed leader of the bunch.

he calls himself the captain of the ship.

nope. i'm not kidding.

that's a fake cigar he's got in his mouth. he's bought one for each of the guys on the Stooges team. and yes, the end lights up like a burning ember.

john, their teacher/coach, hands out a buck and a quarter for each of them, and there's a mad dash to the pop machine. some don't wait for john and they bring their own money for an extra sugar rush.


so, every monday i get to surround myself with these guys, and i LOVE it! they are so fun, so full of laughter, and such awesome sports! at first, when i was just starting this job, there wasn't a whole lot of interaction between me and the rest of the students. i was a stranger and they weren't sure what to think of me. but now, i have become their cheerleader.
there is one boy, dominick, who wouldn't give me the time of day. dominick has CP (cerebral palsy) and has a gimp hand and his knees lean in. he bowls by holding the ball in the palm of his good hand, steadying it with his gimp hand, then runs full speed and launches the ball with abandon towards the pins. and you know what? he's getting really good! when i was first starting there, i would watch him in particular because it amazed me how he never let his disability be a disability. instead, he learned how to use his disability to his advantage. he gains momentum by running/shuffling, and uses that force to get the ball to reach the pins. and he's got this interesting spin on the ball (no clue how he does it) but at the last 2 feet of the lane, the ball curves sharp right. for a while, dominick was always landing in the right gutter. so one day i suggested that he step a little bit to the left when he was running up for the launch. sure enough, he started knocking pins down. he was SO excited! mind you, his verbal skills are not too strong. you can't understand him most times because his mouth/tongue don't work like they should. he constantly has spit buildup in his mouth, and when he gets excited, it foams up. so when he started getting strikes, he would froth like a cappuccino maker! from that point on, dominick and i were friends. he would wait to make sure i was watching before he launched his ball. he'd high five me when he did good, he'd say "that close!" when he did bad. but every single time, he had a smile on his face.
another bowler, derek, part of the Stooges team, and i are becoming friends too. one day i mentioned to him that the way he bowls reminds me of how i bowl. he and i both slide up to the line, and don't have much of a swing to our arm. we both kinda shove the ball down the lane and it's pretty hit or miss for both of us. but one day, i mentioned this to derek and from then on, he watched to make sure i was watching him. when he got a strike, he'd run up and tell me. when he got 3 strikes, he was so proud, and you could see it on his face. he's a good kid, and he makes me laugh. secretly i keep hoping each game he'll beat adam, the self-appointed commander. more times than not, derek does!
then there is kaydeen. she bowls with the Stooges too. this poor girl is surrounded by 5 other guys, all of the belching and farting and there she is stuck in the middle of it. i started watching her too, because she, for the most part, goes under the radar compared to the Stooges. she's quiet, shy, and very sweet. and when she stands correctly, she's a pretty good bowler. she has no run towards the line. her motor skills are a bit lacking. so she stands at the line, bends at the waist, and allows the ball to pendulum swing until she's ready to release. she's improving for sure. she noticed me watching one day and smiled, then proceeded to bowl a strike. today, she asked me to tie her shoes in the sweetest voice.
then there is dan. he's about 4 foot 3, wears thick glasses and has downs. he's the quietest of the group (except for drew). when he sits on the chairs to get his bowling shoes on, his feet don't touch the ground. he brings along his cd player and listens to music in between frames to pump himself up. frequently we can't find dan. turns out he's in the bathroom. "he's downloading" say the Stooges. then they laugh and talk about how he always downloads at certain times every day, especially after he eats ketchup. john, their teacher, always buys several orders of fries from the grill there at the alley. with those fries comes the ketchup. and dan can be found eating just the ketchup, dipping his finger into the ketchup cup, then placing it quickly into his mouth. 20 minutes later, a round of downloading.
david and marty are twins. david isn't as proficient at bowling as marty is. so, marty's on the Stooges team, while david helps out jason and sueann - both of whom have CP pretty severely and are restricted to wheelchairs. he wheels them up to the line, places the ball ramp, seen here:

in front of them, and then helps them roll the ball down the ramp, sometimes connecting with pins, sometimes not. but every time that ball heads down the lane, there is anticipation and excitement. it's amazing how such a simple thing like rolling an 8 lb. ball can bring such joy.

so now you have a picture (several pictures) of what i see every monday. and this is what i'm really learning. every monday. i'm learning from these special needs students how to be human, to be loving, to be full of joy. they don't care what people think about them, or even if their clothes are matching or even fitting. they don't care about their bills or what's on tv tonight, or even what they'll have for dinner. they live in the moment, enjoying it and letting go. it's simple pleasures in life that make them laugh and smile. it's a fart that smells like death, or a call from one of their girlfriends, or a belch that's so loud it scares the person next to them. they laugh and howl at it all. bowling isn't about the competition, or even about doing better. it's a time of fellowship and fun, a time to encourage each other even when they suck at bowling.
i love mondays because they remind me to not take myself so seriously. they remind me that it's ok to not always be trying to do better than the person next to me, or even better than i did the day before. i get to live in the moment, and celebrate with those who celebrate. i get to laugh when others laugh. i get to have special moments that warm my heart and remind me that i am so utterly blessed beyond compare. the blessing is not that i'm healthy, physically and mentally, and able to care for myself, but i am blessed because i get to surround myself once a week with a part of God's creation that doesn't judge or condemn, but smiles and encourages and laughs. i am a weekly witness to joy and happiness and miracles and celebration. i am blessed because i get to be where most people fear to go. i get to see moments not many are willing to see. i am blessed because i am loved unconditionally. i am valued for simple reasons like being able to tie shoes, or make a joke, or give a high five.

so, i wanted to write this. maybe it will encourage you to smile at the little things in life, or to just enjoy the moment more. i wanted to make sure i put this in writing for those days in the future that will challenge me and get me down. i know i have tendencies to not laugh as much as i want to, and to take life more seriously than is required. this will be a reminder that even mondays are fun, if you let them be.

it's the simple things in life, like a sucker on bowling day, that brings value and worth to the moment.


yes, monday suckers are my favorite.